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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Dark Side of the Moon part 6

The Dark Side of the Moon 6

There was something about this guy that really made me feel safe…and he was the first older guy I had ever met that made me feel horny. I mean not like screaming horny because that didn’t really ever feel like it was coming back but a kinda warmth in the pit of my stomach horny. His dark brown hair was such a rich warm color and it seemed to be so fine the way that it draped over his collar. It seemed to me that if you had hair like that people’d be always touching it.

“Hi, Detective Daniels.” Jimmy moved over so that I could sit between him and the detective. I was glad, in a way, to see him. I hadn’t been able to get the thought of the two, less guilty guys outta my head.

“Robbie, I wanted to go over what happened to you again. A lotta times, most times really, people are two shocked near the event to have really made any sense out of it. Sometimes the mind filters stuff out. You mind going over it?”

I could feel Jimmy leaning a little closer to me. “I guess it’d be okay.” I hadn’t really thought about going thru the whole thing again. “Cause I been thinking that maybe the two guys that were with the mean guy weren’t really there cause they wanted to be.”

He smiled at me. “That’s kinda the impression that we got too. Why don’t you start at the beginning and just go thru it all.” Suddenly he glanced up at Jimmy and said, “Jim, I think that Robbie might feel a little freer to talk about this if it were just he and I.”

Jimmy started to get up but suddenly I really needed him there. “Would it be okay if he stayed?” I was beginning to feel really scared all of a sudden, you know how it is when you pretty much know that something is gonna happen and even though you don’t want it to, you want to keep control but you’re pretty sure that it’s gonna happen anyway.

The detective said, “Sure” and Jimmy sat back down. I started telling him again what happened but this time it didn’t even so much feel like I was there. It was almost like I was up by the ceiling watching me tell them what happened. I guess that it wouldn’t be so bad if I could just tell it like a news program or something, you know, without the being so scared but when I relive it like that it really all comes back. It’s kinda embarrassing. I mean nobody wants to look that stupid and lame and pathetic in front of other people and I sure didn’t wanna look that way in front of these two but once it starts I pretty much lose control over it.

So anyway it’s like I’m almost not even there but even up by the ceiling I can see that I’m just this sobbing mess. It’s almost like the rape is happening again only this time there’s an audience and it’s almost like they really are watching that happen to me, watching me half naked and bleeding and stuff. It’s a wonder that Mark and my brother Jimmy don’t just take off and sprint for the door but for some reason they don’t and even up by the ceiling I can feel Jimmy’s arms tighten around me and while it doesn’t stop anything I can sure see why I’m gay cause he almost totally wraps me up in his arms and man I just don’t ever want him to let me go.

I sure hope that I don’t have to testify in court or anything because who the hell is gonna listen to a blubbering jerk like me. They’re gonna take one look and figure psycho and leave it at that. Plus the fact that it’s incredibly embarrassing to have to talk about this. It feels like somehow I’m to blame for the whole thing.

Okay so finally I’m getting to the end and I can feel myself coming down and getting closer to the real me sitting there and then suddenly I just snap into myself and I’m me again. That’s so weird and I wonder if there’s some way that I could do that again when I’m not talkin about this shit.

Well, anyway, Jimmy is talking quietly to me and Mark has got his hand on my arm and a sympathetic look on his face but I feel like they just watched me take a dump or something and I feel all sweaty and stupid. I feel like crawling away and dying. Somehow as bad as it was when it happened it’s even worse when other people see it.

I want so much to run away and hide but that’s where it’s so fucked up cause I can’t even do that, I can barely walk without somebody helping me. So I do the only thing I can, I pretend that it doesn’t bother me but it so fucking obvious that they’re not buying that.

Jimmy’s left hand is on my stomach and his right hand is around me and holding my head. “You okay, Robbie?”

“Jimmy, can we go home now?” I feel like I’m walking on the edge of a cliff and the dirt keeps breaking away and tumbling down the embankment, big clumps that roll over and over with the dirt flying off.

Mark looks at Jimmy and kinda takes over. “Robbie, I got a pretty good idea what you’re feeling and it’s really important that you understand that we’re on your side.” I really don’t get it how anybody can be on my side.

He sighed. “You aren’t to blame for this!” He put his hand on the top of my head and it covered like the whole thing like he was baptizing me or something. These people are freakin giants! He looked at Jimmy and then me. “You need to get therapy! Nobody should go thru this by themselves. Didn’t the doctors talk to you about that?” I think maybe they did but I really really really didn’t want to talk to anyone about this.

I feel like I’m trapped between these two giant guys. Jimmy has basically got his arms around me from behind and Mark is turned so that he’s in front of me so no matter how bad I want to just disappear it’s about as impossible as it gets. They just keep looking at me and I just know that they’re picturing what happened to me, seeing me doing what I had to do for those guys and I wonder if Jimmy will ever be able to look at me and not think about it. It’s pretty unfair. I really think when something like…what happened happens…it just seems like you should have time to like, just be by yourself, like on a desert island or something. When I look off to the left over by where the nurses hang out two of them are standing there talking and it’s pretty obvious that they’re talking about me. I’m a wreck and I guess now everyone knows it.

Mark was staring right at me but then his eyes flicked up and he musta looked at Jimmy because then he said, “Okay…well…nothing needs to be done this exact second about the doctor and that stuff.” He patted my shoulder. “Maybe the best thing’d be for you to go home and rest.”

Jimmy voice came from just behind my ear. “Yeah, that sounds right. Whadya say we get you home, Robbie?” I wouldn’t have bet money that I could even stand up but anything was better than staying here with them watching me.

On the way home in the car I turned to Jimmy. “I don’t think I should be just laying in my bedroom. If I’m gonna go back to school on Monday maybe I better stay up and see if I can get over this being dizzy thing.”

Jimmy looked worried and kept glancing from me to the road. Finally he said, “You think you’re gonna be okay for school?”

I nodded. “They said I could go home if I got tired. Or, well, the doctor said that he was gonna tell em that, send em an email.” I hoped he wouldn’t forget. It’s a little strange but I was thinking that I wanted to get the going back to school thing over with, even if they killed me. I wanted life to get back to normal.

Then I got to wondering if that’s what Jimmy was worried about or if it was whether those guys had friends. I said, “Do ya think they’ll gimme a hard time, Jimmy? You know, the friends of those guys.” I suddenly remembered that Connor was one of those people and maybe there were a whole lot more.

I could see him starting to work his jaw muscles and the big muscles in the side of his neck looked like they were bulging. His eyes were getting all hard and when he answered his voice sounded strange. “They bet………I dunno, Robbie. I wish I could tell you no but I can’t and I wish I could tell ya that I’d be right there if they did but I can’t tell ya that either. It’s a big school.” His hands twisted on the steering wheel. “The thing is that you gotta stay with your friends. Nobody’s gonna do nothing if your in a group of guys.” I could have told him that not one of my friends had called to see how I was but I didn’t. For one thing I only had like two friends but then I was too embarrassed at what a loser I was to tell him that.

I said the first thing that came into my mind which was as much of a surprise to me as it was to him. “Jimmy, d’ya think I’m adopted?”

He started to laugh so hard I thought that he might lose control of the car. He grabbed a big handful of Kleenex and wiped the tears from his eyes but then when he glanced at me again he started to laugh again. His laugh was a big sports loving straight guy laugh. The laugh of someone who didn’t care and wasn’t afraid.

Finally it died down and he reached over and clamped his big hand on my knee. I felt like a vice to me although I knew he wasn’t trying to hurt me. He squeezed hard and then let go. “I know that you’re not adopted you dufus! I was real little but I still remember mom coming back from the hospital with you.” He shook his head and started to laugh again. “Adopted!” I was smiling but it didn’t seem that weird to me, after all, they were all so big, all of them and then there was me.

When we got home I went into the family room and turned on the TV while Jimmy waited for his girlfriend to get home from school. Half and hour later Connor and Chase came slamming thru the kitchen door. I looked up in time to see Connor turn and walk out but Chase sat down and watched TV for a minute. I didn’t really know if I was supposed to look at him or say hello or what. Jimmy picked up the phone and started walking towards the kitchen. I knew that he was trying his girlfriend again and wanted to talk to her in private. I took a deep breath not really knowing what Chase was likely to do. I pulled up my knees to my chin trying to make myself as inconspicuous as possible.

Chase and Connor were so much alike. They liked the same sports, they liked the same people, the same movies, the same music. It was almost like they were the same person. That’s why it was so surprising that Chase hadn’t taken off last night with Connor. . The only thing they didn’t share was a temper. Connor had an explosive temper and was quick to fight while Chase was more inclined to stand back and watch quietly although if provoked he was just as much of a fighter as Connor was. He slouched down in the chair and stretched his long jean clad legs out. I didn’t have a clue as to what he was thinking but I was watching him out of the corner of my eye.

Finally he turned his head towards me without lifting it off of the back of the chair. His voice was amazingly deep. “So you really do like guys?”

I couldn’t bring myself to look at him but nodded my head yes. He shook his head slowly from side to side. “That really is fucked.”

What was I supposed to say to that? Was I just supposed to sit there knowing that he hated me? I jumped up and took off for the door the led from the family room the foyer where the stairs were to go up to my bedroom. Except that where I thought the doorway was and where it actually was were two different things. I heard Chase call my name and I even saw what was about to happen but it was too late and I slammed into the door jamb. It was really loud, it sounded like a truck hit the house and it occurred to me that all by myself I was like this total disaster area. I mean you coulda video taped me and put me on Funniest Home Videos. I was a riot. The only good thing was that the next half hour or so was like almost a blank. I remember them carrying me upstairs and putting me into bed.

When I opened my eyes Jimmy was lying on my bed next to me with his back to the wall and his arm around my shoulders, Chase was sitting in a chair right next to the bed. Chase had an odd look on his face. My first impulse was to panic because they were both…well…there.

Jimmy looked at Chase and said, “For Christ’s sake tell him before he walks out the fucking window.”

Chase leaned forward and put his hand gently on my arm. He looked all concerned and his voice was so deep and warm it made my toes curl. “You okay? I mean you ain’t gonna hurl or nothin?” Chase has got a voice that maybe you’d expect to find on an old lumberjack. When Connor and Chase went thru puberty they both came outta it like the Incredible Hulk or something with this enormous explosion of testosterone. When you look at him you see this handsome fifteen year old guy but when he speaks it’s like…whoa!

I gasped out an “I’m okay.” Although I could feel where I had slammed into the door jamb.

He blinked once and rubbed his thumb against my arm. “Robbie, I meant that it was fucked that you were gay because of how rough that’ll be for you, not because I think that you being gay is like your fault or a bad thing or shit like that. I don’t care if you’re gay, Robbie. And to tell ya the truth, I don’t think that Connor does either.” He laughed and it made my whole body vibrate. “I think that it’s just like he’s pissed because you didn’t go to him and ask for his help or shit. You know how he fucking is! He thinks that he’s the king of the earth and we’re all his subjects. He’s just bein a dick.”


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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Dark Side of the Moon part 5

The Dark Side of the Moon 5


The next day when I woke up I actually felt better, not what you’d call really great, but a whole lot better than I did the day before. I moved my head around and looked up and down really fast and there was a little dizziness but not nearly as bad as yesterday. My dad was gone and I could hear a lot of getting ready for school and work sounds in the hallway and bathroom. I needed to pee but I didn’t want to get in anyone’s way, especially when they were in a hurry and I figured that the less they saw me the better off I’d be. I knew I was gonna have to think about going back to school eventually but I really wasn’t well enough for that and since it was Friday, after today I had two more days to recover.

Suddenly the door opened and my dad poked his head in. He was all dressed for work in a suit and tie. “Robbie, I meant to tell you yesterday but you’ve got to go back to the hospital to see the doctor again.”

I’m sure my face dropped and I stammered, “I really feel better, Dad.”

“That’s good, Son, but you still have to go. It’s follow up thing. He needs to see how you are. I gave Jimmy a note to get out of classes and he’s gonna pick you up at one. Can you be ready, I mean with clothes and all or does he need to come home before then and help you dress?”

I could feel my stomach go totally into a knot and I was scared that I was gonna upchuck but finally I got it under control and stammered, “No! No. I can do it, Dad!”

He grinned at me. “That’s great! Can you be waiting downstairs for him at one? Do ya need help with the stairs?”

I had recovered and was already planning how I’d get down the stairs. “No, Dad, I can do it. I’ll go slow. It’ll be okay.”


When I heard the last door slam I made my way carefully to the bathroom and almost passed out from relief when I finally peed. The trip from bedroom to toilet was only a little shaky and as long as I kept my eyes focused on the far wall I was okay. The big thing was not making any sudden head movements. It was kinda like walking on eggs plus I couldn’t look down. Weird.

I looked at myself in the vanity mirror. Lot’s of bruises still but the swelling was pretty much gone. I touched the yellow and brown spot on the side of my face and then stared into my eyes. I leaned forward and looked deep into them. “You’re gonna survive. No really, you’re gonna survive. I wouldn’t lie to ya.” Somehow saying it made me feel better.

I really wanted to look at my butt. I shoved my hand down the back of my pajamas and gently touched my asshole with the tip of my finger. It was still feeling a little swollen and I wanted to look at it but I knew that even with my mom’s small hand mirror I’d have to either bend over and look at the mirror between my legs or stare into it while it picked up my reflection in the vanity mirror. Either one of those things would make me lose my balance so I figured I’d have to live with not knowing. Anyway later the doctor was probably gonna look at it and he’d tell me if there was a problem. I sighed. I couldn’t believe that I knew that a doctor was gonna be looking at my asshole and that it didn’t bother me, well not much anyway.

I went out into the hallway and inched my way over to the top of the stairs. I lied to my dad about the stairs, not completely because in fact I didn’t know that I would have a problem, just suspected it. I knew that I couldn’t look down and the closer I got to the stairs the more nervous I got because I had like this vision of myself going head first down the stairs. Finally I plastered myself against the wall of the hallway and crept very slowly sideways towards the stairway, feeling with my right hand for the handrail.

Finally I got it and began going down the stairs in slow motion while my eyes were plastered to the opposite wall and my feet were doing the seeing. It wasn’t that bad, I could do this. I made it into the kitchen and had two bowls of Cheerios and an apple. I woulda fried an egg but I got worried about something going wrong with the frying pan or something and I knew that I might not be able to stop things cause of my dizziness. When I was sitting there eating I thought about the three guys that did that to me, thought about what kind of meals they were eating. I really didn’t give a shit about the main guy because he really was evil. But I had been thinking that maybe the other two weren’t all that cool with everything that happened, that maybe they were just going along because they’d have been embarrassed in front of that guy if they didn’t. At the time it was happening somehow my brain was still registering that one of the other guys was biting his lip and looking, at least for a moment, like he wanted to be someplace else. I wondered if that was Connor’s friend Jeff.

I watched television in the family room for a couple of hours and then went back upstairs one stair at a time. It was a lot easier than going down. I took a long hot shower but it turned out to be a little harder than I thought and I had to keep grabbing onto stuff but it was totally worth it and I felt a lot better. I put on a pair of khaki’s because I was gonna see the doctor and somehow it seemed like I should be a little better dressed for that then I would normally be. Actually I was a hell of a lot more worried about riding to the hospital with Jimmy than I was about anything that I might run into with the doctor. I mean what if he yelled at me all the way to the hospital about what a sick fuck I was and how I was a total embarrassment to him and the rest of the family. It wasn’t that I didn’t have a bunch of shit about them that I wasn’t too happy about but I just wasn’t dealing to well with this whole outcast thing.

The other thing was that, since it happened, I was feeling all panicky, like I really should be staying in my room with my door locked and maybe even be under the bed. I mean I understood that it was over but I just didn’t really feel like I was safe. I’m not big like my brothers. I can’t just punch somebody who gives me a hard time. I always figured that I could rely on my them to bail me out but now it pretty much seemed like they were gonna be on the other side.

I heard Jimmy’s car pulling into the driveway and started for the door. I wasn’t sure that he’d even be willing to wait for me and I didn’t want to give him any reason to just take off without me. I guess that’s stupid.

The door opened when I was halfway to it and Jimmy was silhouetted in the doorway. I stopped and he just stood there for a second and then he walked over to me.

As soon as he spoke I knew it was gonna be okay because it was his soft voice. “You okay, Robbie? Gonna be able to make it?” If it was Connor or Chase I might figure this for a setup but not with Jimmy. It was still so hard for me to believe that Jimmy had been cruel to that other kid. I woulda bet anything that he would never do that.

“Uh huh. I feel a lot better. I just gotta be a little careful.”

He opened the front door and held out his arm. “Just put your hand on my arm. It’ll be easier for you to keep your balance than if I put my arm around you.” I looked up into his eyes and didn’t see anything there that shouldn’t be there but I was wondering what had happened. But you know how when you’re unsure about something and you figure it should be one way but it’s not goin along with that and you get all nervous. Well, that’s how I was riding to the hospital with Jimmy but he didn’t seem to be anything like he had been the day before.

Finally it just got to me and I figured, “What the fuck” if he was gonna eventually go back to bein pissed at me I’d just as soon know it now. “Jimmy, I’m sorry that I surprised you with that shit yesterday. It’s just that I didn’t want you to be defending me to Connor and Chase when I knew that I wasn’t what you wanted me to be.”

He glanced at me quickly before turning back to the road. “Robbie, it’s just that you surprised me. And I was all geared up to beat the shit outta Connor and Chase and then you kinda threw me, well shocked me actually.” He sighed. “And…I didn’t want it to be true, ya know?” He glanced quickly at me. “I don’t think you’re some kinda freak, Robbie. It’s just that it’s not the way that you normally think about your bro, ya know?”

Our conversation was interrupted when we got to the hospital and I held onto Jimmy all the way to the doctor’s office. We told the receptionist that we were there and then sat down to wait.

There was something that I had been worrying about more and more and I figured that Jimmy would know the answer. I turned in my seat and looked at him. “Do ya think Connor is gonna tell mom and dad about me? Would he do that?”

Jimmy looked at me all concerned. “You didn’t hear it last night?”

Oh fuck! I knew that my voice would sound scared because I was. “Hear what?”

Jimmy sighed and slid down further on the chair. He stared straight ahead and his voice was quiet. “He did last night, him and Chase.” He shook his head slowly. “I dunno where the fuck Connor comes from, like some other fucking planet or something. Anyway mom and dad and I were watching the football game in the TV room and Connor and his shadow came in and went all dramatic. Connor went into his big, “Dad I gotta tell you some serious shit,” mode and then he just told em.” Jimmy opened his hands and gestured and then he smiled. “Now this you shoulda been there for. Dad is just staring at him and mom is watching dad. So dad gets up, goes over to the closet and gets those two old baseball bats and a golf club and he hands the bats to Connor and Chase.” Jimmy looked at me and laughed. “Don’t look so worried, you’re not dead. So then he says to the Dynamic Duo, “Okay, I was afraid of this but Robbie should be asleep by now so it’s a perfect time.” Jimmy laughed and shook his head. “So dufus Connor is standing there staring at this bat and he’s like all, “What?” and dad says, “We’re gonna go up there, the three of us and beat the crap outta him. He’s asleep now so he can’t call the cops and as soon as we get a couple of hits in it won’t matter.” Well dad’s voice is all seriously nutty and Connor and Chase’s mouths are about hitting the fucking floor. Connor is such a dweeb! I mean like how many times has dad done this to him and he still doesn’t see it coming. So Connor is all, “You can’t do that! We’ll fucking kill him if we do that!” and dad is like, “Well we gotta do something and I say beating the crap outta him is the best way!” and Connor is like, “You can’t kill him just cause he’s gay!!!”
Then dad gets all quiet and reasonable like he does and he says, “No, Connor, you can’t.” Then, in a near perfect imitation of my dad, he says, “Boys, your mother and I have known for a couple of years that Robbie might be gay.” Well now Connor instantly gets it and he’s outta there at like the speed of light or something but the interesting thing is that the other half of the Dynamic Duo didn’t leave. Chase watched Connor storm out but then he sat down and listened to dad.”

“Robbie, I gotta tell ya that I was amazed that mom and dad saw that in you,” He shook his head, “cause I sure as shit didn’t. But anyway, then dad says something that I guess that I always knew. He said that you had always been different, that you had always been smaller and that you looked at things differently than the rest of us but that he and mom had come to think of that as a good thing.” Jimmy grinned and lifted his arm and draped it over my shoulder. “He also said that you needed us more than anybody else in the family ever did and that we should be there for you, that that’s what a family should be all about.”

I guess that I didn’t really understand how nervous and tense I had been cause when Jimmy said all that it was like every bone in my body had suddenly been removed and I slumped down in relief and it almost felt like I could slide off of the chair like a character in a cartoon.

Jimmy wrapped his arm around me and said, “You okay?” I nodded yes and he said, “I’m gonna make it right with that kid that we pantsed, Robbie. I haven’t forgotten about him.” I must have really looked bizarre because he asked, “You sure you’re okay, Robbie?”

I nodded my head and said, “Yeah,” but the fact was that I didn’t even think that I could have stood up if the place was on fire so, of course, that was the exact moment that the nurse came over and told me to come with her. Jimmy had to help me up and was all worried and he wanted to walk me into the doctor’s office but the nurse took over and told him that he didn’t have to do that.

The doctor did the usual doctor shit but he wasn’t so bad because he was pretty nice and even when he was shoving his finger up my butt he said, “Sorry about this but it’s something we’ve gotta do.” The fact was that it didn’t bother me. The real fact was that I could see how under the right circumstances it might even feel good but there was no way that I was gonna let anyone know that.

The doctor told me that I was doin really good and that the bruises were already beginning to fade and that how he was always amazed at how fast kids recovered. He also said that I would probably be okay to go back to school on Monday but that I shouldn’t overdo it. He said that he’d email the principal and let him know that if I got tired or shit I could cut out early. I wondered it that applied to being able to leave early if my fellow students beat the crap outta me but I didn’t say anything.

The nurse walked me back to Jimmy but he wasn’t alone, he was sitting with detective Mark Daniels who looked up at me and smiled. “Hi, Robbie. Your dad told me that you’d be here and he said it’d be okay if I stopped by and talked to you.”

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